Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
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*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Proctology is located in A55
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
A classic…
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.