Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
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People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Friday night party time 🥳
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)