Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
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Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Bring back the McRib
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
dream blunt rotation
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.