Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
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My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
the answer was staring at me all along
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”