Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
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Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”