Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
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my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family