Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
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10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
He’s dead
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Worth a try
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”