Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
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The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.