DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
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the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.