director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
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We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Its a hippotatomus
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Single and childfree like Jesus