director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
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Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Good dog. ❤️
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.