@OrdinaryAlso

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

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@ristolable

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

@velvettusk

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

@eminmien

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

@sarcasticmommy4

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

@Marlebean

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.

@scott_tobias

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

@JimmerThatisAll

“OK men, spread out.”

“Oat?”

“What?”

“Spread oats?”

“Spread out.”

“One oat?”

“Dammit.”

Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.

@RiaWojo

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!