@OrdinaryAlso
@JesusMcangry 2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
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@JesusMcangry 
@ristolable I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
@velvettusk It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
@eminmien We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
@sarcasticmommy4 My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
@Marlebean On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
@stephenjmolloy Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
@scott_tobias I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
@JimmerThatisAll “OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
@RiaWojo Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!