Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
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I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’