Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
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Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Why am I like this?
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop