Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
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My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Me: Your eyes
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Me: what is my final challenge
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )