Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
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what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
This will never not be funny 😭
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?