DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
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When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
dads on road-trips be like
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.