Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
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My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
i love modern commerce
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I’m not stressed
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor