Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
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I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Favourite diary entry ever
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
thank god the sign was there
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.