Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
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*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
not seeing the problem
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?