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whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
My dog learned how to text
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They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
My birth announcement for our third baby
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I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s caring too much. And shoplifting
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I hope this email finds you in a well
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
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That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
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So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?