*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
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I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.