*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
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If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.