*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
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If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
So glad we cleared that up
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.