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I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics