Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
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Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.