disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
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Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.