Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
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I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Just how popey was the pope today?
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.