dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
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Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you