Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
You Might Also Like
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself