Dishwasher: *starts*
Peanut butter on knife: LMAO
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Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.
Me: Pffft… amateurs.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Camping tip: No.
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop