Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
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People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
It was worth a shot 😂
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.