DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
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[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave