Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
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So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move