Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
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Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!