[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
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i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
lmao
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
love pickles so much i put myself in one
when you don’t want to be too vague
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.