Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
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got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.