No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
You Might Also Like
*hears Siren’s song*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*
I’m here, Mistress.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me: I spy something adopted.