dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
O Wise One….
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
