Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
You Might Also Like
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!