Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
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i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
it was love at first sight
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
we’re gonna need another temp
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?