Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
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I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.