Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
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I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
favorite tropes as memes
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
This checks out
Haha good job!!
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?