Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
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Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
any last words?
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.