DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
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Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Planet of the Apps.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.