Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
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Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
rise and shine we got egg
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.