Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
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this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
New mindset, who dis?
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.