divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
You Might Also Like
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
WTF
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou