Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
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My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.