Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*