Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
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Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
My teenage children choosing violence
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I am never leaving this website
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)