divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
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Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?