divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
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TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf